Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Crime Beat

Okay, I realize I'm supposed to be giving you some film noir here, but this was too good to pass up:

LOCAL AUTHOR CITED FOR BAD CONJUGATION

Charles Benoit, Poisoned Pen Press' best-selling author, was detained by authorities on Saturday during a typical day at the office: accosting random people in a bookstore and introducing them to his Edgar-nominated debut, RELATIVE DANGER, as well as the follow-ups OUT OF ORDER and NOBLE LIES. The trouble started when a random Young Adult asked him what he had coming out next.

"YOU should be coming out sometime next year," the author replied.

"I should?" the customer asked.

"No, YOU should."

"But I'm me."

"Yes, of course you are," Benoit said, taking the customer by the shoulder. "You are you. But YOU is not you."

"Hey, wait a minute," interjected a tragically helpful bookstore employee, "the proper verb for 'you' is 'are.' "

"Oh," Benoit said, donning a tight smile and attempting to add some humor to the proceedings, "we're back in the "' You' is is 'are.' "

Neither customer nor employee said anything. Benoit waited, but still nothing.

"Look," he said, "normally you are right--"

"See," said the employee, "you are." His eyes closed in self-satisfaction and he crossed his arms with finality.

"Yeah," said Benoit, "got it. Thanks. But in this case, YOU is a book."

"No I'm not."

"No, not you."

"You mean I am?" asked the customer.

"No, you're not the book, but you are the audience for the book."

"You mean I'm the audience for YOU?"

"Well, maybe not for all my stuff, but definitely for YOU."

The conversation went on much longer than this, but the responding officers got sick of it and decided to end the transcription there. Benoit promised to clarify his pitch by the time the book came out, but officials wonder if that's actually possible.

In the words of the great Stan Lee, "'nuff said."

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